The child agreement
by LydiaIsAsnake
Summary: Amy's biological clock is ticking, and she starts to hear it, when babysitting her cousin's 8 month old offspring for a week.  Sheldon agrees to give her a baby, after much thought and 25 pages worth of conditions.
1. Chapter 1

The child agreement.

Amy's biological clock is ticking, and she starts to hear it, when babysitting her cousin's 8 month old offspring for a week.

Sheldon agrees to give her a baby, after much thought and 25 pages worth of conditions.

But when Penny threatens to call his mother, and Amy's mother if they have this test tube baby. Sheldon attempts to fool her into believing that he and Amy are engaging in coitus.

Poppy.

"So…. I kind of need to sort things out with Rocky…" Amber explained, as Amy nodded, in agreement. But secretly, she thought that her cousin was making a big mistake. Rocky was an imbecile. He could barely string two words together, and his pants were always hanging down, exposing his not so appealing caboose. Plus, Rocky? what kind of a name was that, for a person..

The red faced, unbecoming infant, that Amber had recently given birth to was now, having it's way with one of Amy's pillows. Chewing on it, like some kind of animal. Amy could relate though, there are times when one just has to chew on a pillow. Still, there is a time and a place for such activities. Infants, obviously couldn't understand such boundaries.

"So.. I was wondering if you could. Perhaps… maybe… take Poppy for a few days… please, we're cousins remember…" Amber, stuttered, looking at her daughter, who was making a low growling noise.

"Granted, Amber.. We are cousins, sharing many a common ancestor…I figured that out when I was 18 months old, and you stole that pacifier out of my mouth.. While your mother, my mother's sister, threw up tobacco ash.." Amy recoiled at the memory. It was odd that she could remember so far back.

"Really.. That's…great.." Amber replied. She had gotten used to Amy's weird outbursts over the years. "Poppy seems to really like you.. You know I think she's going to be smart like you are!"

Amy just stared at the kid, after this remark. There didn't seem to be anything remarkable about the infant that lay sprawled on the couch. "In what way?" Amy asked, and then folded her arms.

"Well… get this. She can burp on command!" Amber said enthusiastically.. "Watch this.."

She picked up the baby and made odd, gurgling noises, towards the child's stomach area.

Granted the infant began to burp. But Amy could tell it was all for show.

"Wow.. She deserves PHD at least.." Amy said, unconvinced, and not even slightly amused. It was time to get real.

"I'm sorry Amber. But I am not very familiar with infants… I don't believe that I would make a suitable surrogate mother, while you rekindle your erotic intentions towards Rocky… that baboon, that you refer to as a man.."

"He's poppy's father…" Amber, gritted her teeth. Amy's bluntness, made her want to slap her sometimes. "She needs her father. Don't you remember what it was like, when your dad left? I don't want that for Poppy. And I don't want to be a single mother… Like our mom's were."

Amy sighed. Yes, it had been hard when her father had left the family when she was 7. She had never heard from him again. Perhaps it was best if Amber managed to entice Poppy's father back into the sack as it were. At least they would be a family, and maybe siblings would follow. Amy had always wanted a sister herself, but it had never happened.

"Fine… I'll take her.. But just you remember that this was your idea. I can't guarantee that the child will come out of this arrangement unscathed…" Amy explained.. Terrified at the thought of what she had just agreed to.

Amber was practically out of the door… "There's loads of jars of food in that bag.. And formula… I'll be back next Saturday…"

"Wait!" Amy screamed, "What about a schedule! I can't do this Amber! Please…. The child is looking at me, with a crazy glare… I think she is about to cry! As you are it's mother. I think…."

" It's your duty as a woman to look after a baby at least once, because we both know that you are not likely to have one any time soon…. Goodbye Amy!" Amber hissed, and shut the door. "Thankyou!" she shouted from the hall, her footsteps of haste echoing.

Amy huffed, and then went back to sit on the couch, next to the creature that was about to roll off, and kill itself. Amber really wasn't fit to be a parent at all, leaving her offspring with a complete stranger, in order to engage in some dirty weekend with a half man half baboon specimen. Technically she was this this infant's relation, but she had never met her before. Infact Amy hadn't seen Amber, since, she and Rocky were married, in Vegas of all places.

Amy picked up the child, and held it at arms length. She placed it on the floor… probably a safer option.

The baby looked at her… Oh dear lord, it was looking at her. It needed her. It wanted her to be there for it.

Amy weighed up her options, of people she knew might be able to handle this. Sheldon.. He would be useless. He always looked disgusted, when ever a child under the age of 5 came anywhere close to him.

She doubted he would be able to offer any comforting advice, except maybe to invest in a gas mask.

Amy began to text Penny.. She might know about babies… right?

_I have suddenly acquired an infant child.. What do I do? I feel faint, and have accelerated heart rate._

Amy looked on at the baby on the floor, who was beginning to get agitated. The thing was huffing and puffing, and showing signs of distress, although not crying. It was lying on it's stomach, attempting to crawl. Still, looking up at her…

Amy's phone vibrated. A reply from Penny. And it seemed as though she had gotten the wrong end of the stick and had gone into to a lengthy rant… also it was the longest text she had ever received from her friend.

_WTF. Wht Sheldon do. I kill hm. Bare hanz. Kil him… kil hm… I am going to kill him!_

_I swear Amy.. He will be dead, when I get my handz on hm… _

_Dis better not be a joke.. I'm comin over ther now. I kil him. Oh, I'l kil hm alright… _

_Call the hospitl… be there soon.. Jst breath. Everything is gonna be alright. Shd of told me… _

_Jst breath.. Oh shit..why god why… Im in my car… jst breath.._

Amy could only assume that Penny, believed that she was in the act of giving birth.

Oh dear. She looked down at her stomach, and felt it.

"I really need to think about losing weight.." Amy said to herself, before replying.

_Not to worry. The child is 8 months old, and not mine… Please don't kill Sheldon.. He has issues, but don't we all. I can't blame him, for the unfortunate relationship I have with my cousin Amber and her unfortunate offspring.. And hey.. You think I look pregnant.. Thanks a heap!_

Amy hoped that her reply would be satisfactory. She looked down at the infant. It was really starting to caterwaul now.

Hmm. Infants crave attention. Maybe she should give it what it wants.

"There there. Aren't you a nice, creature" Amy began, plastering a fake smile across her face…. The infant screwed up it's own face in annoyance…. And continued to scream.

It wasn't working, the child could sense fear… It could see right through her façade.

"Ok… I'm bluffing.. I have no idea what to do… But we're stuck with each other for the next seven days, so get used to it babe!" Amy tried to explain…

It was no use… The child was in terrible distress now, lying on it's back and screaming…

Funny how something so small can make a person feel so helpless.

"Fine.." Amy groaned, picking up the baby, and sitting her on her knee… the crying didn't stop, but became less piercing.. "Between you and me. My mother was a bitch too. So we're in the same boat… Also I'm not too fond of Infants.. They make me sick to my stomach… But as long as we are clear…And also, my breasts, are not feeding device… just so we understand boundaries…. "

It was a miracle, the child had stopped crying.

Amy turned the Baby around in her arms, and looked at it cautiously… the infant was smiling, and the kid's whole face lit up when she smiled… then she began to chew on the sock that she had just pulled off of her foot, making a growling noise as she did it.

"Hmm…that's cute.." Amy sighed, finding herself gazing at the child's face, and into her eyes… "So that's you're trick is it… No wonder, people want to reproduce…"

Just then, there was a crash, and a dishevelled looking Penny, kind of flew into the apartment, flinging the door open…..

"Amy… I.." Penny breathed hard….. And then, came running in and the sighed with relief, when she noticed Amy and her "baby" sitting on the couch….."Hey.. You're baby's kind of big!"

"Well. What can I say… I guess, Sheldon and I produce giant offspring…" Amy glared at penny….."I can't believe you thought I was nine months pregnant!"

"Well… I'm not really sure how these test tube deals work…" Penny confessed, flinging herself down next to Amy, and the baby, who looked at her in surprise. "So you're babysitting… Thank god!"

"So, who is this…" Penny, gave the baby an awkward smile.

"I believe her name is Poppy.. Sorry Bestie, but this infant is adorable, more so than you I'm afraid… I may be distracted for the next few hours or so…" Amy, began to make strange, awing and ooowing sounds, as the baby, flapped her hands about… "I'll let you in on a little secret though….. I want one… I never knew how simplistically beautiful ….."

"Amy… I hate to break it to you.. But there's a ripe smell in this room.. And it sure as hell isn't me…" Penny, held her nose, and glanced at Poppy.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

"I would have assumed with you're farm girl upbringing, and giving nature, that you'd be a lot better at this. I thought that you'd at least know the basics of changing a diaper." Amy commented and watched as Penny practically gagged for air as she held Poppy, while Amy riffled through the child's belongings for diapers and wipes. Penny had outright refused to change the baby for her. So she guessed she's have to step up and do it.

"What the hell has your cousin been feeding this kid!" Penny replied. She felt sick. Why on earth would anyone willingly chose to have a one of these things. The baby was gnawing on it's fist and looking a little bit too pleased with itself.

"Well all I can find is a couple of diapers and an empty packet of baby wipes, that were once if I'm not mistaken, lemon scented. You are going to have to go shopping." Amy shrugged and pulled out a sheet which was presumably some kind of nappy changing facility. "Obviously I can't go. Amber neglected to leave any sort of infant travelling contraption. The nerve of that woman!"

"Yeh she has a nerve all right…What? Oh no no no. I am not getting roped into this. You are on your own with this one." Penny screwed up her face and then realised that if she did infact agree to go to the store, she would escape the putrefying smell.

"Wait! scratch that. I'd be happy to pick up what ever you need . "

Amy nodded and grinned. " I thought so. Thank you bestie. Now give me back the infant. She is showing signs of separation anxiety. I guess you just don't cut it."

Penny gladly held up the struggling kid, and it quite happily went back to Amy. When Poppy was held against Amy's shoulder the baby gave Penny what could only be described as a smug look, and then rested it's head.

Penny gaped. The baby seemed to have bonded with Amy but it seemed to hate her.

"Amy you're an natural.." Penny said, astounded. She had never really seen Amy as the motherly sort.

"Oh I wouldn't say that." Amy blushed slightly. "What can I say, infants do seem to love me. This one does at any rate. Although I'm still not comfortable with the way she is looking at my breasts. If she thinks these are full of milk she is sadly mistaken. This bosom is not for milking."

"Yeh. Anyway. I'd better get going. " Penny narrowed her eyes. "Don't worry, what ever baby needs I'll get it."

"Thank you again. I can not believe that Amber has done this. She has forgotten to provide her own child with the proper changing accessories. Frankly she disgusts me. Amber and her Neanderthal husband should be locked in a cage. They obviously raise their daughter as one does a monkey. Although it's not surprising since Amber and her brother Dillon were on drugs by the age of 10. " Amy ranted as Penny quickly left the apartment.

Half an hour later Penny had returned and was unsuccessfully trying to set up a travel cot as Amy attempted to change Poppy.

"This is a lot harder than I had envisioned." Amy whined as she tried to fasten the diaper for the fifth time while Poppy kicked. "Please do try and stay still."

"Speak for yourself. This thing is impossible. Easy to set up my ass." Penny wrestled with the device which was refusing to bend to her will.

"I can understand why these contraptions may be foreign to you. Sheldon told me that you slept in a drawer until you were 2." Amy said matter of factly as she finally managed to get the diaper on so it looked reasonable. Poppy was now smiling up at her with those adorable blue eyes.

"I can relate. While left at my aunt's house on a regular basis, she would make me in the dog's bed. While the dog was still in it."

"Well Sheldon is talking bull." Penny grunted. "Actually it was until I was 3." She admitted, biting her lip and pulling on the travel cot until it finally snapped open.

"When I was a child I never had dolls." Amy began, changing the subject completely "I saw other little girls pushing their proportionally sized perambulators around the neighbourhood. All I could think was. What on earth were they thinking. Dolls are made of plastic, and rubber. And frankly I found them off putting. But thinking about it now, perhaps they were simply preparing themselves for motherhood."

"I guess. I never really played with dolls either." Penny nodded. Seemed like a reasonable explanation. "So anyway. I think you have everything covered here. I got every size there was in the diaper department. Formula, food, pacifiers, blankets, cream. And you can tell Amber when you see her that she owes me 89 dollars. Oh and you make sure you tell her that it is not ok to take advantage of you like this!"

"It's not a problem really. I'll pay you of course. Amber hasn't the money or the notion to pay for things. She's been in jail you know for stealing a horse and riding it bare back with Rocky, naked.. If only I could persuade Sheldon. Hmmm. But he didn't seem very keen when I proposed it." Amy picked up the freshly changed Poppy and looked at her. "That's a lot better. I know you must feel terribly embarrassed. But not to worry. I'll look after you. Until your whore of a mother returns."

Poppy smiled and gurgled.

"Amy!" Penny exclaimed. Suddenly picturing Amy and Sheldon on horse and feeling kind of dizzy.

"Well. I think she is old enough to know the truth. Amber Richardson is what we scientists refer to as a crack whore bitch!" Amy exclaimed. "Not that it is any reflection on you as a person Poppy. I am just stating a fact." she added and Poppy laughed. "See. She agrees with me."

Amy was infact starting to get angry and she rarely did. It was not herself she was concerned with now, but she was concerned for Poppy. In seven days time her so called mother would come to reclaim her. The diaper that Amy had just changed was soaking wet and nearly bursting at the seams as well as being soiled. it looked like she hadn't been changed for at least a day.

The infant had a rash and all the bottles Amber had prepared were filthy, they certainly hadn't been washed properly. Amber obviously cared more about Rocky and his unattractive buck teeth than she did her own child.

"That's not the point. You really need to calm down." Penny insisted, frowning.

"I am calm. Perfectly calm. It was supposed to be girlfriend and boyfriend sing-along night tomorrow. But I guess you'll have to join us now. Know any good nursery rhymes?"

"Wait. What." Penny spluttered, envisioning a night of listening to Shamy sing twinkle twinkle little star. She loved them and everything, but was not hoping to join girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night any time soon. She just hoped that it wasn't some new code word they had come up with for sex, but knowing the Shamy it was very unlikely.

"Well you can't leave me. " Amy insisted gesturing towards the baby. "I can't cope on my own! I'd do the same for you if Leonard ever knocked you up I mean. I'll even be your birthing partner if you want."

"Thanks. I think." Penny shook her head. "I have work tomorrow and Leonard and I have plans tonight. If you know what I mean. I'm sorry. But hey, you are coping brilliantly. Just look at how Poppy has taken to you already"

"She has seemed to have bonded with me. But don't think Sheldon isn't going to take this well at all. I think he may be allergic to infants under the age of 5." Amy was beginning to panic. Yes the baby was adorable. But she didn't know what to do. Granted neither did Penny, but it would make it easier having her bestie to help her out. "You can leave as soon as Sheldon gets here tomorrow at six. Please. You're sordid night with Leonard can surely wait. I am begging you here. If you want me to go down on bended knee I will."

"No. please don't." penny begged and then relented. "Fine. I'll stay. But I'm taking the bed. And you can stay here with Poppy. I am not being wakened in the middle of the night to the sound of a screaming baby. I get that enough already with Leonard."

"Agreed." Amy smiled and kissed the baby's head. " I knew we could talk her round. Me and you make a great team." she attempted to high five the youngster and it grabbed on to her hand instead.

So adorable. Amy thought. Why had she always believed that infants were simply an inconvenience. She had talked about having one with Sheldon. But that was just an idea. The real thing was so much more rewarding, even if Poppy wasn't a genius. She could spend all day watching that kid chew on it's own hand, and gurgle.

"Penny. I think you'd better make up some formula. She's starting to eye up my breasts again.."

Sheldon attempted to process the text message he had just received from Penny. It was odd even by her standards.

_Amy hs a surprise for u. bring over a teddy. Non optional. Lol_

A surprise indeed. He didn't like surprises. He was going over there under the impression that it would be a simple girlfriend- boyfriend sing-along night. The song choices including. "Summer lovin. "

"You're the one that I want." And "There are worse things I could do…"

Amy had recently become obsessed with the film Grease. Unfortunately.

_What on earth do you mean bring a teddy. That would mean that I would have to take time out of my day to go and purchase one. What would Amy want with a teddy bear anyway!_

_Oh. U will see. Dnt worry. Jst do as ur told and bring th teddy bear._

Penny's reply was vague at best, and horrendously misspelled.

"Leonard!" he called, rushing out of his bedroom and into the dining area where his friend was sat eating his breakfast.

"Yes." Leonard looked up from his bowl of cereal.

"Where was Penny last night. You should know. Seeing as you two are now engaging in regular coitus."

"Oh she called and said that she was helping Amy with a diaper related issue. I didn't ask any further questions as frankly I didn't want to know." Leonard replied, shaking his head and continuing to eat his breakfast.

"I feared that this would happen. Amy has obviously regressed far beyond her years. She has been doing so socially since she starting hanging around with Penny. If I am not mistaken, Penny has some how turned my girlfriend into an infant. Why last week, I could swear that Amy was behaving like a teenager, and now she has gone so far back that we may not be able to save her!" Sheldon clutched his chest and began hyperventilating. "Get your woman in line Leonard.!"

"Or… They are babysitting." Leonard offered. Now feeling very ill indeed. He set down his spoon. "You have officially put me off my breakfast.. Thankyou!"

"Well. It would seem like a more plausible explanation." Sheldon mused. Calming down slightly. "She's babysitting. As my mother would say.. Thank sweet Jesus for that."

Ah yes. It was probable that Amy had family visiting. Buying a gift for the child in question would be the socially acceptable thing to do.

And then he could make up a suitable excuse as to why he couldn't be around the infant. Perhaps he could pretend that he was ill. Although it would be a challenge, he was sure that he could pull it off.

If he ever had offspring of his own it would be raised in a Skinner box, untouched by human hands. Skinner's wife had obviously been the reason why Skinner himself had never been able to raise his own offspring this way.

Babies were unhygienic.

Thankyou for the reviews. I only started watching the show a few weeks ago. I am trying to keep them all in character. But it's hard.

Yes I know I suck at punctuation. I have tried to improve.


End file.
